VansOpinion - IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT

Yes indeed, it has been hot in Nebraska. So hot in fact, I let this little gem get posted figuring it would generate a laugh or two and that might take minds off of the temperature. Don't let your kids read this article, the language is a bit....well...too off color. Forgive me folks, but I could not resist sharing this bit of humor with ya'll notwithstanding some of the contents.

Dear Diary:

May 30th:

Just moved to Nebraska..Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 96 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's nice and windy though. But getting used to it is taking longer that I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed 2 days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over the $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It's 105 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid place.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to tear his throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted freaking Garfield!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh. Now my car smells like burnt ass and fried cat.

Aug. 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do shit for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this barren damn place?? Water rationing will be next, so $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 110 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of my Lincoln. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.